The state of hearts

Recently i found myself unable to sleep. I cant focus in class.
I think i might be falling for someone.
When you think you like someone,you constantly think about them.
You hate the other girls who came to talk to them. You hate when they are being friendly with someone other than you. You hate when they prefer to talk to someone else than you.
Even though they are not yours at all,to begin with.
I watched a lot of movies. And i have experiences.

I know how it felt to miss a chance. You know,you like them but they dont like you or they dont know or they are unavailable. Then you move on and then bam!they like you.
I know how it felt to like someone for 3 years and they dont know at all.
I know how it felt to like someone years before they like me back.
And there are also cases where you are friends with them. Then you start to like them. Then after sometime you realize you dont like them anymore. So you talk less and less with them and finally you become strangers. Or it could be you admit to them and they dont feel the same way. And somehow the friendship ended.

And i've been there,done that. So i dont wanna do the same mistakes or whatever it is that make me lose the person i might love or lose the friend i already have.

At times i ask my heart. Do i like this person enough to marry him? Do i see myself 15 years from now,with kids and grandkids with this man?
Do i like everything about him and can i accept all his weaknesses?
And always, Always my heart will say no.
But you never know right?
And so how do i know whether this man is enough for me?
How do i know i wont find someone better?
And if i dont like him enough,then why do i always think about him?
Why am i nervous everytime he comes near?
Why cant i focus in class anymore?
Whats wrong.

I never like liking someone. Being in love with someone who loves you is completely a different story.
But liking someone who might or might not likes you back is painful.
Sometimes i feel like going up to him and just say that i like him.
But that will result in a super awkward situation.
Even if he likes me back. It will still be awkward.
What worse is he dont like me. And then we cant be normal again.
So you see,im stuck.

I know some would argue that if you never ask you never know.
Im not saying i dont believe in girls making the first move.
But to make the first move and to risk a friendship is not something i look forward to do.

I would just LOVE to let this go and dont think about this.
The problem is,it is affecting my studies.
And you dont mess with my studies.
Therefore i have to figure out a way to get this thing out of my sytem.

Being friends with someone you like,
It could go two ways;
To take it another step forward.
Or to reverse.

And thats the state of my heart.

Toodles.

Love,
ndia :/